a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I met the friendliest cop last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I understand Curling. That high.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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