the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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