the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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