One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
