What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
