The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
