I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
