I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
