my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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