nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
