the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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