Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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