The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
