You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So squirting runs in the family.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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