my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
