I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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