I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
