I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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