Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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