Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
