Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
