I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
