I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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