Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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