just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
