Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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