I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
