I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
