I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
