you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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