This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
