Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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