I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me