Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
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I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.