if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers