I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
