So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
