Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
