im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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