Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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