I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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