i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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