For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
