In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Terrible idea I love it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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