Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
