I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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