I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.