She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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