I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
