Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
