Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
