I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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