??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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