How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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