mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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