I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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