I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We need to get me chipped asap
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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