My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
