census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
